Chemo Is My Kryptonite

So, I have to admit, this has been my most challenging week, both mentally and physically. I had great hopes that it would not, especially with all that I did on chemo day but, alas, it is not getting easier. I have lost my superpowers and am becoming a mere mortal again.

I suspect that the treatments are adding up and that there is not enough rest time in between them to build up the strength to fight and still stay as active as I have been. I am noticing that I cannot do as much as I could do after the first few treatments. My energy levels are much lower now and it is difficult for me to do the simple things I took for granted earlier. It is ironic to me as now that MA’s ankle is getting better and she is more able to do stuff around the house, this is giving me free time to accomplish more. Some days though,  I have a hard time getting off the lay-z-boy (luckily it is very comfortable and I don’t mind staying there all day).

The chemical cocktail is wearing on my system. The feelings I have after each treatment are getting more difficult to deal with and last over a week. It is hard to explain the feeling but it is like a metallic hangover that does not go away for a long time. At least with a hangover, a good greasy breakfast can help calm the stomach at bit and take the edge off. I have yet to find something similar for this constant malaise. I believe that exercise helps minimize it a bit but if I feel like crap during it, then I am not motivated to workout while I am in this state. What I really need is a good detox of my body but I know that cannot happen for at least another month. Yesterday helped show me that I am not able to be as active as I want. I played hockey in the morning, like I have been doing for a long time now, but this time it really took a toll on me. I had no energy for the rest of the day and I could barely get off the chair. I did make it out to baseball that night for an 8:00 PM game but chose to not play and just sit on the bench as I still did not feel like I had the stamina.

One other drug that I am struggling with is Ativan. Though I appreciate its benefits, being primarily the fact that I can finally sleep while taking the prednisone, I question whether I can deal with its side effects. I try to only take it during the first week of each chemo cycle so as to minimize its “habit forming” effects. It does not put me into a deep sleep like I am used to but allows me to have some pretty funky dreams. I do find that after the second night of being off it I typically have a rough night, as I did last night. For this reason, I take it an extra day after I am off the prednisone so that my rough night lines up with Tuesday night/Wednesday morning when I know I do not need to get up early. I have my Tuesday morning hockey where I am up for 6:25 am so I want to have a good sleep before otherwise I will not make it. I suspect that another side effect of the Ativan is that it makes me emotional. I am finding that I am more depressed, angry and/or miserable while I am on it. You do not want to be inside my head at this point as my logical brain tries to fight the negative feelings as it knows that it is just the chemicals talking. It is becoming a big struggle for me to overcome these feelings and stay positive on a regular basis and feel like I am being productive.

Tack on the fact that I feel like I am missing the “love” from friends and family. I have been getting these feelings lately that I am not getting the same “attention” that I used to get. I know that it is all in my head but it is hard to shake this feeling. Maybe it is the chemicals or a bit of cabin fever but, either way, it is weighing on me more and more each day. I keep thinking that if only I had not been so good at dealing with my treatments I would not have conditioned everyone that they no longer need to reach out and send encouragement or check up on me. Up to this point, I have been willing and able to do so much and thus did not need help and support. However, now I am suffering more and I miss the attention I used to get. I keep blaming myself for being too strong in the beginning that I have now pushed everyone away. I know this is not the case but it is just another torment that my brain wrestles with on a daily basis maybe to occupy the time away. You have your own lives to live with family, work and challenges. You are busy! I know that you are all there but, at times, your voices can be very silent. Sorry for the guilt trip.

Last Friday was one of my tougher days, emotionally. I was tired and drained that day. I felt like people around me did not appreciate the efforts that I have been doing to be active and gets things done. I swear sometimes I feel like I am pregnant with all these mood swings and emotional roller coasters. This day, I was upset by the fact that I could not convince the kids to help me with doing the dishes and making dinner while Mary Ann was massaging. Luckily, MA kicked me out of the kitchen, finished making dinner and she was able to get the kids to help. It allowed me to refocus my thoughts, gain some energy and not create a bigger mess than I had already created. Unfortunately, my mood and lack of energy carried over into band practice that evening. I was not myself and could not get energized to play. Too bad it was the first practice for our new bandmate. I certainly did not give off a good first impression nor did I make her feel overly welcome. I felt bad all weekend about it and ensured that I emailed her to apologize for my behaviour and attitude. Also, I was not sure how much she knew about my situation so I wanted to get it out and into the open. Lucky for me, she is a very understanding person and did not take it personally.

With all this, I am realizing that I may need to cut back more on all my activities and what I do. That is going to suck as I already feel like I am hardly doing anything as it is now. With the NHL officially done for the season and with very little good summer TV shows this year, there is only so much to do to occupy my time. I am not much of a reader though I have a lot of books that I can read right now (thanks to some who gave me books for my bday 🙂 ). Even making dinner  is proving challenging, both energy and idea wise.

Enough about me griping now. I will pull up my panties and get on getting better. I know that I am more than half way done and only two more treatments left. I am going to a wedding this weekend where I will have some fun and maybe get a chance to do some dancing with my wife, though it will not be as much as I would like. I am going to rest up for the rest of the week to ensure I can maximize my dance floor time. I am planning for a vacation this summer as well so, all in all, I still have a lot to look forward to. I just need to remind myself of this more often!