Been Too Long

I know it has been way too long since my last post that most of you probably will not read it. Actually, all of you are reading it otherwise you would not be here in the first place. 🙂

It has been almost 3 months since my last update. Part of the reason why it has taken so long is that I have been too busy to write but a small part is because I have grown a bitterness towards it. You are probably wondering why this is given that I have been so proud of it. When I started this blog, I saw it as a great way to inform everyone all at once without having to do it individually. It was a great record holder and allowed everyone to keep up to date while sharing their thoughts and wishes easily for everyone to see. Here lies the problem that has created my distain for writing. I chose to make this blog public and not have people log in, saving me the hassle of authorizing every access. This allowed anyone to see the blog at their will. Also, I chose to write about the positive things that I was doing to demonstrate how well  I was keeping focus on my goals and not discuss the negative sides of having and dealing with cancer (nausea, fatigue,stress, anxiety, etc…). I was trying to stay upbeat to show a brave face to everyone and let cancer know who was the boss. Never did I think in doing this that it would be used against me. As a result of this negativity, my recovery and transition back to work was slowed and my positive vibes were squashed. I found out that being a good cancer patient can be harmful to a speedy recovery, ironically. My transition back to being a productive member of society was filled with anxiety, doubt, hate and bitterness. And, unfortunately, this was mostly directed at this blog. The first few weeks of going back to work were more difficult as I was raging with internal battles against fatigue, depression and anxiety as I tried to live up to the expectations that my blog had set out for me. This caused me to resent the blog and dramatically reduce my motivation to write. Now that I have this new post up, maybe the blog can return to being the therapy it once was and allow me to continue writing posts for all of you to consume. Not making any promises here but I will do my best to keep up with the writings and continue to remind myself that I am a survivor and NO ONE can take that away from me!

On a happier thought, there has been a lot of good things that have happened over the last 3 months (and some bad things but, as you know, I don’t talk about that shit here!) I will start with the best parts. I saw my Besty a few weeks ago and, surprise, surprise, I am still cancer free. All the results are still looking clean so I will see him in another 2 months.

I am back to work full time now. It has been about 2 weeks now that I have been doing this. I had worked out an arrangement with my boss to slowly transistion into this position over 7 weeks (not including the 2 weeks full time), ramping up the time working each week as my strength allowed. I was able to get back to full time one week earlier than the original plan, which is great news. This last week though took more of a toll on my body as I have been actively working on moving the company’s infrastructure to our new office. We took possession of new office space on Friday and, since I have been back to work, one of my major projects has been the planning of the move including upgrading our internet and phone systems. It was hard and very stressful but very challenging and I am proud to say, so far, it has been very successful (knock on wood). I am quite proud of how smoothly it has gone to date. Monday will be my big challenge as I have my German counterparts setting up the servers with the new ISP in order for the team to be productive by Tuesday when they arrive in the new office. I will not have much time to deal with any issues though as I have a supplier visiting us so I will be in meetings for a good chunk of the day. Also, Wednesday I have my first business trip since I have been back. It is just a day trip to New Jersey so not an exciting place but I am excited about it as it is a huge milestone on my recovery path.

This past week was probably my toughest yet since I have been back to work. The stress of it all affected how well I was sleeping each night. Some of the sleeplessness was also for good. On Tuesday, the company had our Xmas party in a box at the Sens game. It was a lot of fun and was great to see/meet all the spouses. The game could have been better though as, once again, they lose when I am in the stands. I was so tired come Thursday that I did not have he energy to go play hockey which continued into Friday where I missed band practice. You know it had to be bad if I missed both those events! The Xmas tree is up thanks entirely to the kids as I had no energy to help and they had a “freezing rain” day. The lights outside are still not up as I have not had time/energy to do so yet. If all goes well, it could happen on today.

As you can imagine, a lot has happened since the last post. I will probably forget more than I remember. Gen is still fencing and has competed in many tournaments including some in Ottawa, Montreal and St Catherines (near Niagara Falls). Cassy too has been busy with soccer with practices everyday after school, games everywhere in Ottawa along with one in Montreal. Isa has been the quiet one but has recently started a powerswim course. With me working fulls days, it is surprising how busy the kids make us and how demanding it is for MA to drive them everywhere. I help out where I can but my schedule only allows for so much.

I do have some things to look forward to though. I will be taking some time off at Xmas to visit family. We will be going to North Bay to see Mom and my Bro’s family then off to Kirkland Lake to visit with the in-laws. Hopefully, I can schedule some rest during the holidays as it will be much needed. The biggest thing that I have to look forward to though does not yet have a date. If you have been reading the blog for some time now, you will remember me saying who my favorite Senator player is. Well, late in September, I received a package from my old boss and inside was a voucher for a very nice restaurant in Calabogie, a small ski/cottage town outside of Ottawa. The restaurant is one where there is no menu and the chef/owner prepares the meals with ingredients that he has grown himself (where possible) and, with each course, explains how and why it was prepared this way. Just that alone would be enough to make for a great evening but, for me, it does not stop there. I get to invite 6 other friends to join me and MA to enjoy the evening. Did I mention that the wine is included in the meal? OMG! But it does not stop there, the guest of honour is not me but Chris Neil and his wife Caitlyn (this is my favorite Senator player, in case you did not know). It holds out to be a very amazing night however, I do not yet have a date for it. Some of the conditions on the voucher were that it needs to be on a weekday (I guess I am booking off the next day) and outside of hockey season. When I received this incredible gift, the hockey preseason camp had just started so it was not possible to book Chris’ time. Personally, I am hoping that it does not happen until July as it means the Senators have gone deep in the playoffs, and hopefully have a Cup win! Would be fun to drink our wine out of the Cup (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). I am so anxious and excited about this dinner that I am constantly thinking about it. I know it will come soon enough but I can’t wait. I promise to keep you updated on when it happens and provide a play by play of the evening. Ironically, I mentioned this gift to my hockey buddies on Thursday. One of them, John, has a cottage in Calabogie that just happens to be near where Chris’ cottage is. John knows Chris very well to the point that he was trying to get him to secretly come out to the bar after one of our games. He was not able to pick a time that worked out for Chris but it is all good as I will have dinner with him soon enough.

It has been great having Cancer with such great friends and family around me. I am very lucky to have you in my life. Thanks for all the support, gifts and well wishes throughout. It has made this speed bump so much easier to get around and to help me remember the important things in life, the people that make it special.